Funny Stories or Jokes About Listening

My girlfriend yelled at me today saying, "You weren't even listening just now, were you?!"

I thought, "Man, what a weird way to start a conversation."

How did Metallica get people to stop pirating their music?

They stopped releasing anything worth listening to.

If you like to have sex while listening to music, always pick a live album

... that way you'll get applauded every 3-4 minutes

Observation

There was a man in a mental hospital. All day he would put his ear to the wall and listen. The doctor would watch the guy do this day after day for months.

Finally the doctor decided to see what this man was listening to, so one day he approached the wall and put his own ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing.

He turned the mental patient and said, "I don't hear anything!"

The mental patient replied, "Yeah, I know. It's been like that for months!"

Snow wife.

One winter morning while listening to the radio, Bob and his wife hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 4-6 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Bob's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 6-8 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Bob's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park..." then the electric power goes out.

Bob's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Bob says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

A wife told her man to leave....

after finding out that he had a one night stand with another woman.

"I want you to go!" she screamed.

He said, "Please can we just talk about this first?"

"Go on, I'm listening." she replied.

He sat down and said, "It was the most amazing experience of my entire life."

"You haven't been listening to a word I've said, have you?"

It always felt like a strange way for my girlfriend to start a conversation...

Old couple in church...

An old couple is sitting in church one morning, listening to a sermon, when the wife whispers, "I just let out a silent fart. What should I do?"

Her husband whispers back, "Well, for starters, you can put a new battery in your hearing aid."

I asked my wife what women really want and she said attentive lovers.

...Or maybe she said "a tent of lovers." I wasn't really listening...

A misunderstanding

A girl is driving down the highway listening to the radio when a song comes on that she really, really likes. The DJ says the name of that song was "Hot lips and tender kisses." The girl says to herself I've got to buy that record. She pulls over and looks up the phone number for the nearest record store. She dials the number but makes a mistake while dialing and instead of calling a record store she has called an auto mechanic. The phone rings and the mechanic picks up the phone. The girl says, excitedly, "Do you have hot lips and tender kisses?" The mechanic is a little confused, but responds, "No, but I've got hot pants and seven inches." The girl responds, "Is that a record?" The mechanic says, "No, but it's better than average."

My girlfriend is weird, she always starts conversations with, "Are you even listening to me!"

Thanks, I'll be here all week.

You can explore listening spotify reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean listening ears dad jokes. There are also listening puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

My wife is weird...

She begins every conversation with "Were you even listening to me?"

Listening to your wife is like reading iTunes' user agreement...

... you don't understand anything, but you still agree with it.

My girlfriend broke up with me because I am extremely handsome and too many girls want me

She said something else about my chronic lying disorder but I wasn't really listening

My wife has an odd way of starting conversations.

She always begin by saying "Hey, are you even listening?"

Yesterday, I got so depressed..

..I spent entire day listening to Celine Dion records.
.
.
Or that's what I thought until I realised my cat had fallen in to the dryer.

A father asks his child, "Could you please stop listening to Korean music?"

"K, pop."

I said 'no' to drugs

But I don't think they're listening

I can control sheep by just listening to them

It's true, I heard them with my own ears

What is the most sensitive part of your body while pleasuring yourself?

Your ear listening for foot steps.

"So, what are your qualifications?"

"I'd say my biggest weakness is my listening skills"

My girlfriend likes it when I am silent.

She thinks I am listening.

Wife has strange ways of starting a conversation..

... out of nowhere she'll ask me: are you even listening at all?

My wife yelled at me today, saying, "You were not even listening now, were you!?"

What a weird way of starting a conversation!!

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?"

Me: "I'd say my biggest weakness is listening"

So my wife glared at me from across the table and firmly stated You weren't even listening were you?!

I wasn't sure what to say, but I thought That's a strange way to start a conversation .

A woman turns to her husband and says, "I feel like you aren't even listening to me."

To which the man turns to his wife and says, "that's a strange way to start a conversation."

Job interviewer: And where would you see yourself in five years' time Mr. Jeffries?"

Me: "Personally I believe my biggest weakness is in listening."

My wife starts conersations in the weirdest way.....

"You weren't even listening were you?"

My wife was like: "Are you even listening to what I'm saying?!?"

And I was like... that's a strange way to start a conversation.

My wife just stopped and said, "you weren't even listening were you"...

I thought, that's a funny way to start a conversation

A woman is sitting at her husband's funeral listening to the eulogies being read...

A man in the pew behind her leans forward to ask, "Do you mind if I say a word?".
No, not at all, she replies.
The man stands and clears his throat.
Bargain", he says, and sits back down.
"Thank you", the woman responds, "it means a great deal."

My dad told me I was listening to way too much Korean Music.

I told him, "K pop"

My dad asked me the other day: "Are you even listening to me?"

Which is a really weird way to start a conversation if you ask me.

Interviewer: and what do you see yourself doing 5 years down the road Mr. Jones?

Mr. Jones: Personally, I believe my biggest weakness is listening.

My dad asked me "are you even listening?"

What a strange way to start a conversation.

My wife asked me if "I was listening to her?!"

Strange way to start a conversation....

My girlfriend has the weirdest way to start a conversation with me..

„Were you even listening to me?!

My son asked me why I was whispering all quiet.

I told him I thought the CIA was listening. He laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.

This joke has to be told to someone in person

This joke has three parts. A man is driving and his wife asks him to slow down, he slaps her an says I'm the one driving not you .

The second part is, the woman is cooking food for her and her husband and the husband asks her not to put so much salt in, she slaps him and says I'm the one cooking not you

The fourth part is...
person listening: what you said there were three parts.
*slaps*
I'm the one telling the joke not you

I hate when my wife asks if I'm listening to her

It's such a weird way to start a conversation.

Yesterday at the dinner table my dad asked me, "are you even listening to me?"

weird way to start a conversation if you ask me.

My wife asked me "Are you even listening?!"

My wife asked me "Are you even listening?!"

What a strange way to start a conversation.

I asked my wife..

I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said,

"You're an 8 on a scale of 10."

I still don't get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton..

After 6 months (or so) of listening to people talk with masks on

I finally understand what Charlie Browns teacher was saying

Sad news to share: my dad just contracted COVID, and lost his sense of taste.

He's been listening to a lot of Justin Bieber.

A woman went to the doctor's office and seen by one of the new young doctors.

After about four minutes in the examination room, she started screaming and ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he told her to sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and, without looking up, said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

I accidentally deleted an audiobook I was listening to

Now I'll never hear the end of it

So I did some research...

and Chinese people like listening to music on their phones with earbuds, black people like portable speakers, Mexicans prefer cheaper systems in their home with big speakers and white people like higher end but compact systems...

Sorry, I guess I shouldn't be discussing racial stereo types.

A young boy is listening to the radio in the car with his father. Dad, what music did you like growing up?

I was a huge fan of Led Zeppelin, the father replies.

Who? the son asks.

Yeah, the dad responds, I liked them too.

I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin.

The jokes weren't that good, but I liked the execution.

I just realized that since my hair is thinning, my scalp may shine through in photographs depending on the lighting, and possibly blind the photographer.

Just some random reflections off the top of my head. Thanks for listening.

A Comedian in Russia.

I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin. The jokes weren't that good, but I liked the execution.

My neighbour banged on the wall at 430am this morning!!!!

Can you believe it. Lucky I was still awake listening to music.

They banged and shouted "Can we have a little respect please?"

I shouted back "I'm not a big Aretha Franklin fan but this ones for you"

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in the next five years?

Me: I'd say my biggest weakness is listening.

The phone bill was exceptionally high...

.... so the husband called a family meeting to discuss the issue.

Dad: This is unacceptable. I don't use the home phone, I use my work phone.

Mum: Me too. I hardly use our home phone. I use my company's phone.

Son: I always use my office mobile, I never touch the home phone.

All of them were shocked and together looked at the maid who was patiently listening to them.

Finally the maid said, "Why are you all looking at me? So we all use our work phones. What's the big deal??

My neighbours are always listening to loud music

whether they want to or not.

I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin and communism

The jokes weren't that good, but I liked the execution.

l asked my wife to rate my listening skills…

l asked my wife to rate my listening
skills and she said, "You're an 8 on a scale of 10."

I still don't get why she wanted me to
urinate on a skeleton.

For the couple of people that haven't seen this one yet.

Chris and Pat are in their residence listening to the neighbor's dog, who has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. Finally, Chris jumps up and says, 'I've had enough of this'

Rushing downstairs, Chris finally returns, and Pat says 'The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?'

Chris says, 'I've put the dog in our backyard, let's see how they like it.'

My wife just screamed Hello…are you even listening to me?

After 25 years of marriage , I still don't understand why she starts every conversation that way.

my wife is really bad at starting a conversation.

She always starts by saying "have you even been listening to what I've been saying".

As Steven Weinberg was finishing the presentation of his contributions to the Standard Model, a colleague asks:

"This work is incredible. Do you understand the gravity of what you've done?"

Weinberg: "No, weren't you listening? That's the only force we don't understand."

(I'm sorry for this terrible and obscure joke, feel free to downvote.)

My wife yelled at me "are you even listening to me"

I said "that's a funny way to start a conversation"

Someone once told me that I would not get far in life since I spent all of my time listening to Phil Collins.

Take a look at me now!

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Source: https://jokojokes.com/listening-jokes.html